Monday, February 13, 2006

I Want My FATWAH!

I'm officially issuing a fatwah against Dish Network.
These capitalist infidels have commited an aggregious assault against the White Trash Republic and have imposed their yellow dog, cowardly, blasphemous will upon us-the humble peace loving denizens of the WTR.

As you may know last December there was much rejoicing and dancing in the streets here in the Republic when, for no apparent reason whatsoever, our Dish Network subscription dumped MSNBC and gave us Fox News instead. Sadly, I must report that the euphoria was short-lived.
The capitalist running lackey dogs have pulled the plug! Now, not only do we not have MSNBC (praise Bob for that!) but no Fox News as well!
Our only source for news now on the tube is (shudder) CNN!
Why they did this is bizarre at best. I guess they thought they would appease us with the addition of "new" channels at the basic level...that we would be so agogged at the new choices we wouldn't even notice that the little bone they threw at us was gone.

Here's what we got in place of Fox News : WE, the Oxygen Channel and a quirky,low budget outfit called the Documentary Channel.
The first 2 are "chick channels" to the nth. It was bad enough having the dreck of Lifetime corrupting my TV, this crap is just plain insuffable! I may have boobs, but I so ain't the demographic.In my opinion, these networks do NOTHING to elevate the status of women. If anything they just further the stereotype of the bored hausfrau, laying about, eating stale Valentine chocolates and yakking on the phone with their other pathetic 'girlfriends' who are also watching the same damn channel.I ain't sure but I seem to recall hearing that Okrah had something to do with Oxygen...and that makes it even more annoying to me. WE is equally vapid and assinine.

The Documentary Channel sounded promising...afterall, who doesn't enjoy a good documentary now and then? But therein is the problem...trying to fill all that time on a shoestring. So what we have here is a non-stop compendium of just about any and all student produced films imaginable! Oh the horror! Some cover topics that COULD be interesting IF they had paid more attention to production values, which, being independant and non-sponsored and mostly done as a final for their Film Major, these little documentaries leave alot to be desired. I sat through what should have been an interesting history of the electric guitar, but alas, I was frustrated by the poor quality sound (ironic) and bland and most times barely audible narration. Damn shame, these kids interviewed alot of heavies in the music field and had some great vintage clips. But due to shitty post production, it suffered and made for a difficult time.
Not exactly how you wish to spend your down time....Hey, what's on A&E? This is crap.
I wish I could report that it was anomoly, but after flipping back over a few times this week, I see that that is pretty much the calibre of quality there....oh, well.

Now I do have just an inkling as to how all this works with satellite tv. These big dog companies, whether it be Dish or Direct, have to pay networks a certain fee to have their programming-just as we, the consumer, pay them for getting the channels.
So my question is: Do the combined fees for these 3 new channels equal what they would have to pay Fox for their one news service? I'd like to know.

I do know that Dish has recently undergone a tweaking of their service levels and that might explain the weirdness as of late. I had been at the bottom level. Now they have a new level...called the Family package or some such thing. It maybe called Family but it is primarily geared to kids-Nick, Discovery Kids channel, etc. For some reason they also offer a Chinese channel and a French language channel as well. It's about time! Damn, they finally listened to me! I don't know how many times I've sat there muttering: Y'know, this would be so much better if I could get PekingTV!
BUT the kicker with this new package is that the only news channel offered is...yep, Fox News!
So why, I ask, can you pay less, get less and get Fox, but if you pay more for more you get stuck with CNN as your only window on the world?
I don't get it.
Are they equating budget with elitism? If all you can afford is 20 bucks a month, well, obviously you're some sort of ig'nert trailer trash tryin' to make that welfare check stretch and you want something to keeps those annoying rugrats quiet while you finish up that latest batch of meth, so we'll give you what you deserve-that racist, biased bunch of rednecks over at Fox News. BUT all you who can afford "QUALITY" programming, we'll give you CNN, only because we know you can afford the Zoloft prescription you're gonna need after about watching 3 months of that that negative, unrelenting horror show.

They have put me in a tricky decision mode here. I could just go ahead and DOWNGRADE to the Family package, save about 20 bucks a month and get my beloved Fox News, but then I would lose A&E, History, TLC, Discovery and the other teeny tiny handful of channels I actually watch with my America's Top 60 or whatever they call it (75% of which consist of Shopping channels.) The kids would lose Disney and Cartoon Network (no great loss there!) and for the most part I find Nick to be absolutely abhorent for kid's programming. OY! I'm in a Kobayashi Maru scenario here...a no-win situation no matter how you look at it.

Oh, yeah...the fatwah...
I have no idea what the heck a fatwah is exactly. All I know is that some near god-like buffoon will issue one and then shit starts to happen. People die, crap gets blown up, folks go into hiding and maybe, just maybe they get the results they were wanting. The Islamic version of a toddler holding their breath 'til they turn blue when they don't get their own way.
So, I might as well try it. Come on, help me out here, people!
I just might get Fox News back.

1 Comments:

Blogger Kathy said...

"Are they equating budget with elitism? If all you can afford is 20 bucks a month, well, obviously you're some sort of ig'nert trailer trash tryin' to make that welfare check stretch and you want something to keeps those annoying rugrats quiet while you finish up that latest batch of meth, so we'll give you what you deserve-that racist, biased bunch of rednecks over at Fox News. BUT all you who can afford "QUALITY" programming, we'll give you CNN, only because we know you can afford the Zoloft prescription you're gonna need after about watching 3 months of that that negative, unrelenting horror show."


That's beautiful... (sniff)

2/14/2006 3:50 PM  

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