Friday, July 14, 2006

Email Idiots, part 2

Well, they've struck again! My hapless, witless, clueless associates have clogged up my inbox again with sending and then resending the same dang music vid! This time wasn't as bad as the last, where 5 or so "pals" kept forwarding the same media file to me resulting in a near continious download that lasted from about 1 pm to past suppertime!

This time only 3 were involved in the just gotta share loop. Still, it pretty much slowed things to a crawl here for a few hours.
Again, I repeat: STOP!!! THINK BEFORE YOU FORWARD!! I am on dial-up. If you feel that any particuliar media file, whether it be an amusing video clip or a rousing patriotic music montage is worthy of my notice, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS SACRED, JUST LINK THE STUPID THING!!!
Do Not, I repeat, do not email me the whole stupid, bloated, time wasting, ram clogging file. Please! I'm begging you! Have mercy!...and alittle common sense, people!
(Whew, thanks...I feel better now...)

Ironically enough, once the last forward finally sputtered into the inbox, I got this beaut, from one of the biggest offenders! He wasn't involved in this latest file forwarding clusterfug, but his timing was impecable! And it helped take my ire down a few notches. Love this. More than likely you have gotten something similiar now and then, but it still is worthy of repeat. And I'm forwarding this to the latest offenders, along with a 1,240 x 2,480 px., uncompressed .jpeg of a pug dog peeing on a daisy attached. And of course, the subject line will read: THIS IS SO FUNNY!!!!!!!You gotta see this!!!! Open Now!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Oh, who am I kiddin'? That would take me hours to send!)
Anyway, on with the funny:

"To all of you: (and you know who you are!)

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us as well as commentary attributed to Robin Williams and George Carlin. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I found in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either-

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day..."

Now, everyone, repeat after me: " learn it, know it, USE IT!"


Anonymous squirley said...

Sniff,sniff. I'm sorry.


7/15/2006 6:51 AM  
Blogger white trash republican said...

Squirley! You are not an offender in the very least! Put the kleenex away, I wasn't scolding you.
You actually send me some purty funny material!
: )

7/15/2006 9:28 AM  
Blogger Fits said...

I usually don't click into web pages not previously known to me because they all carry variants of My Doom, and some have been known to emit anthrax spores particularly to Windows XP users, but this was funny so I'm glad I ruined my pc and will soon expire.

7/15/2006 11:10 AM  
Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

That's priceless. I'm keeping it to send to my offenders.

7/15/2006 12:43 PM  
Blogger white trash republican said...

Ah crap...the perils of copy n paste!
I didn't proof that as well as I should have...the part about the 5 bucks and the molester in the parking lot makes no sense! If you dropped it, then how could it be placed there by a guy hiding under the car?
Jeez! I'm gonna fix that now. It bugs me.

7/15/2006 3:16 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Now that you're all riled up,... I might as well invite you over to my dusty place to copy and paste a TAG quiz...

I would put the $5 beside your car just to see your answers. (But don't worry about me being under the car. Unless it's a monster truck I won't be fitting.)
Bet you'll have some humdinger answers!!!!

7/15/2006 6:01 PM  
Blogger white trash republican said...

You're on Pam!
I'll check it out this evening.

7/15/2006 6:31 PM  

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