Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day Guest Blogger

Even though it's just another Monday here at the Laughing Dog Ranch, I've decided to take the day off. Today's post will be handled by Enid Strict, known to everyone as the Church Lady.

Well, thank you, WTR...
Today on “Church Chat” we have a guest who just thinks he’s oh so special and the news people have been just all a twitter about him and his friend. You might have seen them-they showed a little home movie they made recently allllll over the world! We asked him to try and explain this further-this “Invitation to Islam” thingy.
So,please give a nice superior Church Chat welcome to our guest...Adam Gadahn!

It is Azzam, you batty, festering, old infidel! Get it right, you fool...
AZZAM! My true name is AZZAM! Don't insult me by using that other name.

Well alrighty. Tell me, Adam, do you kiss your mom with that mouth?

Oh, never mind that- now, tell us why you thought you had to make this little movie with your friend?

Church Lady, It is imperative that you and your kind in America wake up and smell the coffee. Your TV evangelists, you drivers of SUVs, you users of cell phones- all of America must awaken and embrace the one true religion, that of Islam. Our video is an invitation for you, the unclean infidels to join us in the one true light, to be free of the slavery that your leaders, your Bushes, your Blairs have entrapped you in. It is a call for your soldiers to cease their killing of innocents and rise up against their masters and embrace the love of Allah. If you do not, you will not pass Go, you will not collect 200 dollars-the devil will make meatballs from your bodies in HELL!
We are a peaceful people. You should not make war against us. And we will kill anyone who says otherwise.

Hmmm…I think someone is just a bit full of themselves.

So tell me, Adam…or Azzam…or whatever your little pretend name is,
Why should anyone listen to you? Is anyone listening to you?

Because, Allah is the one true God. Not your stupid Christian god. You all are stumbling blindly in darkness. You are enslaved by your lust for material things.
Allah is the all encompassing light. Many of your Americans have come to this correct conclusion- Seymour Hersh for one. He is a true and good soldier for Allah. I read 'em all the time. A great man. Full of wisdom, unlike those heathen dogs like Spencer and all those stupid bloggers that openly mock the one true religion and spread their satanic lies. The New York Times is the only thing fit to read in your America-it is the documenter of truth.

“Hey!Leave me out of this, Towelboy!”

Sy, wait your turn! We’ll get to you.

So, Adam…did you and your little friend in the video both decide to wear matching outfits or was that just accidental?

You know, I understand that you were once a nice, little boy from Riverside, California. Marv? Put up that old picture, wouldja?

Y’know, in my nieces high school yearbook there's a fellow that looks just like that! Except she tells me he used to hang out behind the handball court and smoke “doobies” all day long.

Did you smoke a lot of “doobies” in high school, Adam?

Azzam! My name is now Azzam, you crazy slobbering hag!
Get it right. Do not address me as Adam. Adam the ignorant infidel is dead! He is dead to me! Do not mock me…do not mock Islam!
Convert now, embrace the light you ignorant fools. This is your only chance. You will burn in Hell forever if you do not!

Hmmmm, well…aren’t you special, Adam? Let’s see, you think we should all forsake our Lord, Jesus Christ, renounce our beliefs in a God of love and mercy, give up all the trappings of western society and revert to a 7th century mindset
where women get their naughty bits cut off and then have to live wrapped in a trash bag for the rest of their lives and the men never shave. A religion that claims that it is the one true religion and everyone else who doesn’t believe will be beheaded or killed if they don’t convert. A faith that revels in death and destruction. A religion that likes to twist words from scripture to suit their evil purposes... Seems to me, Adam, I’ve heard of your god before…it is said he is the father of lies, he is a destroying angel disguised as “light”-just like that light you keep talking about, Adam…hmmm, let me see…his name is right on the tip of my tongue…hmmm, I dunno... let me seee…could it be...

Ok, that’s all we need to hear from you little Adam…now go…scoot…go on. Don’t forget to leave your towel and robe at the door on the way out…Housekeeping needs them back.

Church Lady…This is your last chance…embrace Islam and I give my word that you will not be the first to be beheaded when our people and Islam rule the world.

Wellll…isn’t that special?

Oh by the way, Adam…have you sent a postcard to your folks lately? I hear they’re just worried sick about you.


Blogger Gayle said...

OMG! ROTFALMAO! This is simply too funny! How you took such a disturbing subject and made it that hysterical is pure and utter genious. Kudos to you. I've been laughing so hard I've probably spit all over my keyboard! I read it to hubby.

And that Church Lady... you just gotta love her! You go, girl! :)

9/04/2006 5:33 PM  
Blogger Gayle said...

I linked you up on my last post. I want as many people to visit this post as possible! LOL! I am sooooooooooooooo impressed!

9/04/2006 5:40 PM  
Blogger BB-Idaho said...

Ms. Enid Strict,
I was in your 2nd grade Sunday
School class. Your photos show
you haven't changed much. I was
sorta surprised you let that guy
with the funny hat into your church as you always made me take
mine off. Glad to hear you are
still giving them er....HECK!

9/04/2006 6:34 PM  
Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

That was cool. I was wondering when the "let me see, now, could it be-SATAN?" bit was going to come in. HaHaHaHa. The only thing you left out was the dance at the end, but I guess Church Lady is finally getting too old to boogie down.

9/04/2006 6:48 PM  
Blogger Fits said...

Nice job.

9/04/2006 9:55 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

funny (but scary, too)

9/05/2006 12:01 AM  
Blogger white trash republican said...

Thanks you guys.
Whew...channeling the Church Lady just about sapped me of my strength!

The credit goes to John of guy is a master of those type of pic/posts...he is my inspiration.
Glad y'all liked it. Azzam vs. the Church Lady just seemed like a natural.

9/05/2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger American Crusader said...

That has to be by far the funniest post I have read in a longtime or ever. What a great skit that would be on Saturday Night Live. I don't know what your day job is, but if you could write like this on a regular basis, you're in the wrong job.
Absolutely hilarious...

9/08/2006 9:22 AM  
Blogger white trash republican said...

Wow, A.C.,
I'm flattered.
Thank You.

9/08/2006 1:55 PM  

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